My nephew is a wild thing

You really have to know my nephew to understand how funny this picture is...he is a very quiet, reserved, painfully shy boy who - on most days - will barely look at me. I could guess that he's looked me in the eye maybe two or three times in his four and a half years of life. So this picture totally cracks me up. Every time I see it, I chuckle.

Halloween feels fun today. I'm not sure if it's because we have nice weather or because the stress of a big ole birthday party weekend is over, but it just feels fun . I can't wait to get Snow White all gussied up and ready to tackle three or four houses.

I won bad-mom-of-the-year yesterday when I dropped Bug off at pre-school only to remember suddenly that they were supposed to wear costumes and I'd forgotten to bring hers. I sheepishly squatted down and said, "Bug, I'm really sorry. Mama forgot to bring your costume." She just ran over to the bin with the play clothes and created a princess costume from scratch. That's my princess! We just figure it out, I guess.

More trick or treat tales to come, I'm sure.

and now she is four.

It may never feel quite right that she's growing up so fast. People say "time flies" all the time, but tonight, I can't believe that I have had four amazingly wonderful years with my girl.

Okay, not every moment was wonderful. But every moment was worth it. And the great moments make the hard ones just a fading memory. Having a child has meant more to me than I ever dreamed. I am blessed today to be a mom.

Yes, I'm blessed because I got a good one. Somehow that mix of unknown with the known-too-well produced a beautiful, strong-willed, funny, playful, intelligent little girl. I'm blessed, too, because I get to see her every day. I get to drop her off in the morning and pick her up in the late afternoon, in time for dinner, a snack, lots of playing and reading...and the best snuggles before bed. I'm blessed because she looks to me for everything and although I feel extremely inadequate most days, she got a mom who gets an A for effort. So does she. I'm blessed, mostly, because I was trusted with this little life...to love and to raise and to bring up as a strong woman, one who I'm certain will make a difference in this world. So thank you, God, for my baby girl. I can't believe it has been four years.

I might just need a beverage.

The weekend is sure to be fun - what four year old birthday party is anything but fun? But there's a certain level of drama attached when birthdays involve families who don't live together anymore. My ex is coming from Colorado, along with the best boy in the world (I cannot wait to see him) and Cupcake is coming, too (I am over the moon excited about THAT!). All of us are staying in the same, very small, two-bedroom house. Oy.

Now, I typically don't look ahead too much. I think I'm pretty easy-going, go-with-the-flow, no-worries kind of girl, but Cupcake gently reminded me a few days ago that the weekend could pose a few bumps and/or some strange feelings for everyone. Well, she's probably right and now that I think about it, I grow a little anxious as flight arrivals and festivities draw near.

So, along with picking up party favors and snacks on the way home from work, I think I'll buy a nice big supply of beverages, too. You know, the good kind. I have amazing coping skills, don't I?

Trying not to go overboard and doing it anyway...

I am often driven by guilt. I could investigate the thousands of reasons why, but why bother? It's just me. Bug's life has been full of tumult during the last year, so my tendency is to "do it up" for her birthday. I know I don't need to, but it's already done. Oy. Sometimes I drive myself nuts.

The big princess castle bounce house will be delivered on Saturday. I dug and constructed a fire pit just so we could roast marshmallows (Bug calls them SMARSHmallows) and hot dogs (really it's just an excuse for the parents to stand around a fire and drink warm, yummy stuff.) We have too many people coming (complete with a few special guests from Colorado!) and food for the cast of "Ghandi." Being the dork that I am, I've made mix CDs for kids and adults alike (grown-ups like goody bags, too, right?)and my sister bought a huge stash of Beanie Babies on eBay and is determined to put them in the goodie bags for the kids.

I selected the songs for the adult CDs very carefully. In fact, I obsessed over them. I take great pride in the CDs I make for friends and was completely dismayed that iTunes will not let me make more than 7 copies of a playlist. Crap. Oh well, I guess I'll just make a different one and people get what they get (and don't throw a fit!).

Anyway, I'm very excited to give my sweet, little girl a big, big party to celebrate turning four. She is the light of my life, the air that I breathe. I love that little girl like I never knew I could love.

Scrumpdillyishous

I couldn't resist posting this picture. I just want to squeeze some cheeks after catching this photo. Bug loves her "sister," Cagney so much that sometimes she can't resist the squeezing either.

I know I've posted about my dog recently and here she is - in all her green-eyed glory. What is that, anyway? I suppose it's her cataracts that cause that creepy glow in her eyes. She really is cuter than she appears with those eyes...but I'd think she was cute even if her eyes really were Halloween green.

I was tagged!

I've never been tagged! Oh, I'm so nervous and excited and not sure I can live up to being tagged by someone who seems ultra-cool.

So, I'm supposed to do the following:

1. Link to your tagger and post rules.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself, some random and some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of post and list their names.
4. Let them know they were tagged by a comment on their blog.

So, here goes:

1. I played the cello for almost nine years and I was actually pretty good.

2. I've been on three cruises with R Family vacations (Rosie's big gay cruise) and I loved every minute of all of them. It was like going to a big, gay, family summer camp. I cried when it ended. And, if you look closely, you can catch glimpses of me and my kid(s) in the documentary, ALL ABOARD: ROSIE'S FAMILY CRUISE.

3. I love to ski (or snowboard) but I'm TERRIBLE at it. It's really all about standing on top of a snow-covered mountain, particularly on a sunny day. And there's nothing better than a cold beer in the sun after a long day on the mountain. NOTHING like it.

4. It took me almost two years to get pregnant with my daughter. Since her birth, I have been in contact with the moms of six of her donor-siblings.

5. About a year ago, I had benign positional vertigo. If I tilted my head a certain way, I was thrown into vertigo and nearly fell (even though I was lying down). I was referred to a physical therapist who performed a series of exercises (sitting, lying down, turning my head) and after three days of exercise, I was CURED. It was a miracle. I can even swing on swings now. And ride roller coasters.

6. I played college basketball. At a really, really, small, tiny, tiny, very Christian college. And we sucked. So it doesn't really matter, but I can say that I played college basketball.

7. I love musical theater. I should have been a gay man in that regard. I love Broadway - every aspect. I've only seen one show on Broadway, but I've seen many, many touring productions. My dream trip is a week in NYC, seeing shows, day after day after day.

Okay, time for me to TAG:

Cupcake
IndyAnne
Jaded
Clandestine

I have to find three more people!

Strangely fascinated...

I love tattoos. I have three of them and I want more. I'll be 40 in January and with a trip planned to Vegas, I'm certain I'll be adding to my small collection. I've been thinking that I should have planned a trip to LA for my 40th, though, because that's where Kat is...

Cupcake turned me onto Miami Ink awhile ago and ever since then, I've had a strange fascination with Kat Von D. If I were being completely honest (okay, why would I lie?), one of my fantasies is to have Kat Von D do a portrait tattoo of the kids somewhere on my body. Pipe dream, I know, but we can have our fantasies, right?

Kat is tremendously talented...I'm always amazed at the work she does and there's something I love about her story. She's so young...and has courage about being who she is. I admire that. Cupcake would say that I have a crush on her, but I don't, really. I just admire what she has done, so early in her life. I might be a bit intimidated if I ever had this fantasy come true, but I would endure!

Yawn...

I keep dreaming about weird things. I can't really explain them other than to say that they're just weird. I should preface this by saying that my sleeping patterns have been thrown way off lately, too. Cagney has been sick and up wandering around at night. She cries and paces and a few times I just slept on the floor with her to calm her. That, and Bug has decided that she wants a break from sleeping through the night (oy). So that could be why I'm having weird dreams. I'm DAMN tired.

In my dreams, I'm always confused about where I am. Am I in Indiana? Am I in Colorado? And all the people are mixed up - people I know from Denver are in Indiana and vice versa. Most of the time I kind of wake up not knowing where I am. Weird.

And then add to that my recurring dream about not finishing college and I just wake up discombobulated!

I know that I wonder constantly if I've made the right decision moving here, so I'm not surprised by the dream. Any other thoughts on my WEIRD dreams this week?

Back to High School

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Originally uploaded by mamalicious_mac

Inspired by Greeblemonkey's post, I'll write about what I was like in high school. Any of you who knew me then, feel free to dispute my description.

I loved - more than anything - to be with my friends. I had lots of different friends, but I was part of a major clique that included me, Rachel, Jenny, Patty and Amy. Sometimes there were others, but we were the real deal - the cool dudes.

I was a jock (three sport letter winner - yawn). And an orchestra geek. I was editor of the school paper, student council officer (I really just wanted to ride in the parade) and I was in lots of clubs (so I could be in the yearbook a lot). I was a total rah-rah, team spirit girl. But one thing was a bit ironic about me, given my rah rah nature: I hated cheerleaders. We all did. But that's another story for another time.

My friends were fun and cool and they totally influeced everything I did. I was a joiner, for sure. I'd do anything the cool people did. I cut class regularly and got away with it because no one suspected I would ever do anything wrong. I cheated (thanks, Rach and Pat) through a computer programming class and I did whatever I could to aggravate my Spanish teacher (it was just the thing to do!).

My sister talks about "hating" people from high school and I honestly never felt that way. I probably wasn't nice all the time - I'll be honest right now, but I don't think I ever did anyone permanent harm. I don't think I did! I was a borderline geek that everyone kind of liked. I got picked to do all of the athletic competition for our class and I never really got very good grades, much to my parent's never-ending dismay. I'm smart, just not always so interested.

Other opinions?

Fun at the auction

I might have found a new love. On Saturday night, I attended an auction-fundraiser at my nephew's school. When my sister first told me how fun it was, I kind of said, "okay, whatever." Reluctantly, though, I took Bug (mainly for the school carnival that was going on in conjunction with the auction. In a lucky turn of events, my nephew's dad took all the kids to the carnival (Bug and Carter are strangely inseparable when together) and I got to experience my first auction.

I felt like I was at a sporting event/casino combo area! I felt this incredible rush, watching people bid on items like a basket full of Colts memorabilia. When the bidding went over $100 for a cornhole game I felt as excited as I would had I been sitting at a roulette table! There was a preschool arts and crafts basket that easily had $100 worth of stuff in it. Bug is such an art-crazed girl that I knew I had to have it. Suddenly I found myself raising my little card in the air, barely able to contain a scream inside my head. When the short bidding war was over, I won! I won! I won! I got the basket - for $50! Wahoo! That's a deal that will make Cupcake green with envy.

And on went the evening, just like that. My sister got in a huge bidding war over an air purification system. I never knew it could be quite that exciting to bid on such a thing! I think I might start combing the Indianapolis area for school fundraising auctions. Call it sad but it's the most fun I've had in awhile!

In and Out...and OUT

Today is National Coming Out Day. In years past, I have made certain I'm OUT to those around me because I feel strongly about being open and honest. I've also felt - firsthand - what it's like to hide. When I was younger, I used to wish all the time for someone to say, "it's okay" and so I have tried very hard, particularly as a classroom teacher, to make sure students know that it is, indeed, okay.

Life changes, we get older and busier and the need for being OUT doesn't seem so pressing. But I'm reminded that there are still those who struggle mightily, excruciatingly. There are those who are so afraid of coming out that they may choose a path of self-destruction over honesty. There are those who are so fearful of consequence that they may never get a glimpse of what it's like to be open about who they are.

So in support of those I worry about, here goes: I'm gay. Gay, gay, gay. I'm almost forty years old, mother to a wonderful daughter, daughter of wonderful parents, partner to beautiful Cupcake, friend to many incredible people, educator of many amazing students, owner of amazing dog. And I AM GAY.

To some it may seem silly. Others will absolutely realize the importance - and excitement - of being OUT and proud. Of living life honestly and freely. Of saying to others with my life: I am who I am and I'm great with it...I hope you will be, too.

Today is a day for stories. Here is one that I found extremely inspiring:

Lorraine Barr

If someone you know comes out to you, be careful your response. I have forever remembered the words said to me when I first uttered the terrifying phrase, "I am gay." Some of the kindest responses I received come from people who probably don't even realize how kind they were being. So think about your words and be gentle with those who take that leap.

Happy Coming Out Day! Do you have a story to share?

Worried about ole Cags

Cagney has been my friend and constant companion for more than eleven years. She is, perhaps, the sweetest golden retriever you could ever find.

Someone once told me that goldfish are capable of keeping something in memory for three seconds and I often wonder if my golden retriever is the same because she forgives and forgets so easily. I can take her to the vet for an unpleasant procedure but when we go back, she's excited about seeing new people!

Cagney is so tolerant - Matthew used to run his cars and trucks all over her and she'd sit and look at me as if to say, "I think I'm just supposed to sit still while he does that...right?" Bug thinks Cagney is her sister. In fact, her childcare providers thought Bug really did have a sister named Cagney until I explained that it's really her dog. Both kids had a routine of saying goodnight to Cagney before going to bed and I've often believed that they love her more than any of the people in their lives. She has certainly been the most consistent!

Cags has been my constant friend - through moving and changing, through lonely times and lean times, through the chaos that is sometimes my life. And she's always loved me through it. Sometimes I can't believe her ability to just love me, no matter what. Her presence in my life has truly been a lesson in unconditional love.

Cagney is motivated by two things: food and attention. She would always choose food over anything and I think if I ever let her eat as much as she wanted, she'd eat herself to death. She will eat anything...ANYTHING. I even caught her munching on corn I'd left out for squirrels in the yard. Cupcake went with us to the vet and heard the vet say that Cags could have a can of green beans to help fill her up between meals. I swear Cupcake went out and bought ten cans of green beans and sneaks them to Cagney whenever she gets a chance. Cags has definitely won Cupcake over, too. Second to food, though, she loves attention. She loves for someone just to sit and put their hand on her...she'll snuggle up to anyone.

Why am I writing about Cagney? Well, she seems a little off these days. She doesn't flip her head at me (the indication that she's ready to eat) and she makes bigger, louder snoring noises through the night. She's always been a lounge lizard, but she seems even more lackadaisical than normal (yeah, I had to look that word up). Anyway, I'm worried about her. She's always been healthy, always strong, always eating. It's strange to see her change...even though I know she's getting older.

I always said that Cags would live to be 25 and I'm still counting on her to do that. The kids are, too.

There's more than corn...

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Originally uploaded by mamalicious_mac

...in Indiana. Right? That's what I tell myself several times a day!

We talked a lot this weekend about living in Indiana: the benefits, the disadvantages. When the discussion gets going, it normally just leaves me corn, er, CONfused. I love this place most of the time. I love that I live near family and friends, but after living out West for ten years, I really do look at it with different (older?) eyes.

Moving home brought lots of decisions for me, of course. I was faced first and foremost with where to live. I chose the neighborhood where I grew up, so that I could be closest to the things that brought me back: family, friends, familiarity. I literally live five or so blocks from the house where I spent the first 17 years of my life...three blocks from my elementary school, half a block from my middle school and a long, neighborhood block from my high school.

So how does it feel to live in that neighborhood? Good, for the most part; weird sometimes. There are moments when I'll catch a whiff of what must be a tree or a plant that takes me back to days running around with my friends on humid, sweaty days. I'll ride my bike and see a street corner that looks the same as it did twenty five years ago when I rode that same path on my green Schwinn ten-speed. I'll ride the track around the elementary school and go back to caring about nothing other than a bike ride around the school. There's a time-life confusion that grabs hold of me and makes me pause. Then I'll shake myself right back into today...and chuckle at the irony of it all.

Why did I move back to the old neighborhood? Yes, to be near family and friends, but there's got to be more: why did I move back to the scene of my childhood? I'm going to have to go down that road, too, aren't I?

Back Home Again, Part 2

Sometimes it's hard to decipher what I feel with what I'm SUPPOSED to feel. I know I've been a grown up for a long time and at this point most people would expect me to do things for myself...decide what's best for me and Bug, be a grown-up about it and move forward. I haven't been able to master that...I spend a lot of time doing things because I think it's what I'm supposed to do.

So sometimes I'm not sure if I moved home because it's what I was supposed to do, or because I wanted to. It may be awhile before I can figure that one out. I know that I've spent an inordinate amount of time in my life trying to assuage the pain and heartache of my family. I hope I didn't move back here just for them. I hope that when it's all said and done, I can honestly say that I moved here because it was right for ME. And Bug, of course. She's forever a part of that equation.

That said, tonight I'm missing Denver. Specifically, I miss that crazy blue sky and the crisp Fall evenings that make you wonder if you should have a jacket or winter coat handy. I miss Cupcakes neighborhood; I miss a vanilla Americano from Perk Hill (ah, the crema on that cuppa joe). I miss the great restaurants (even thought Weight Watcher's recovery from the last year is long and arduous), I miss Cherry Creek. I miss riding the scooter around, looking at houses. I miss going for drinks with the boys. I miss taking Bug to Wash Park. I miss looking at those mountains. I miss lying in bed at night with the windows open, listening to the Cupcake's neighbors have a party late into the night...or to the sounds of somebody's bass too high, rollin' in the 'hood. I miss meeting LynnE and Pia for appetizers; I miss searching for the perfect Happy Hour. I miss being mischievous with Cupcake. I miss Cupcake. Tonight, I definitely miss Denver.

Back Home Again, Part 1

I've been thinking a lot about writing in a more focused way. I've decided to do some reflection about what it has meant to "move home." So far my blog entries are somewhat random in nature (okay, WAY random) and I thought I'd better direct my writing efforts to trying to "bring together" what it means to be back in Indianapolis.

We've been here for almost four months now. During the last four months, I've moved across the country, started a new job, bought a new house and enrolled Bug in a new school. On that list of stressful things, I hit several of them in a short amount of time. On top of that, let's add divorce, beginning a new relationship (and subsequently moving away from that new, wonderful person) and separation from the step-son to the list of biggies that has occurred in the last two years...and I'll say I've had my fair share of heart palpitations.

I don't say any of that to garner sympathy. I say it only to offer that it's probably not fair to make an assessment about what it's like to "move home." Not just yet.

But there are things I already know for certain: I love being back near my family. I love having my nephews close by and to be a part of their lives. I love living near my oldest friends, the people who have known me (and yes, still liked me!) longest. I love having my daughter's life impacted heavily by her grandparents, her aunt, her cousins, my friends (all those folks who were so important to me as a child!). I like being back in the neighborhood where I was born and raised (more on that later, for sure). I also love my job. It feels good to be challenged and to feel like I can make an impact.

I also know for sure that I still hate the humidity in Indiana. And I hate that it seems hotter here than anywhere else on the face of the earth. I hate that my skin feels more oily than it ever did in Denver and I hate that on a hot summer night, there's no respite from the heat (in Denver, it always cools to loveliness in the evening, no matter how hot!).

I also know that I miss Matthew more than my heart can describe and I miss Cupcake so much that there are days my breath is literally taken away (I know - so dramatic!). But it's true.

I will dig deeper, for sure. Stay tuned.