...though I'm not sure why. :) I haven't started my super-delicious tales of lesbian life in Indy, though I'm batting stories and ideas around all over the place. It will begin soon. I promise.
In the meantime, a super-duper dose of loneliness has arrived and completely covered my being. I don't know if it's the holidays, the weather, the realization that I'm really just completely by myself? I feel stuck. Blue. Call it whatever you want. I'm in the middle of a loneliness tsunami.
Speaking of tsunamis, I saw 2012. I liked it in a purely entertaining and ask-big-end-of-the-world kinds of questions way. My nephew liked the hot lava. To each his own. I think I'll go see The Blind Side tomorrow and make myself cry even more. Maybe I'll have a loneliness break-through and be all better if I sit and cry for two hours. My sister and I talked about wearing rain gear to see that movie...
Happy Thanksgiving, all. We really do have lots to be thankful for..
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
The Real Lesbians of Indianapolis
I've decided I'm going to write my own reality show - The Real Lesbians of Indianapolis. It will show the real lives of lesbians living in middle America. The drama. The apathy. The pretty girls who "pass" and the truth about dealing with women who are corn-fed and who, on occasion, experience an "epic" mullet.
I'm leaning toward a no-holds-barred approach that details the women in my own circle - capable of nuclear-level drama and sweet, loving tenderness all rolled into one. At the center of the drama is, of course MOI. I have experienced enough of it in the last two years to write a novel the size of War and Peace.
Stay tuned...episode 1 is in the works...
I'm leaning toward a no-holds-barred approach that details the women in my own circle - capable of nuclear-level drama and sweet, loving tenderness all rolled into one. At the center of the drama is, of course MOI. I have experienced enough of it in the last two years to write a novel the size of War and Peace.
Stay tuned...episode 1 is in the works...
Friday, October 16, 2009
I was her person
People have written for hundreds of years about losing loyal pets and confidantes. And now it's my turn: I have lost my best friend.
I always tell people that Cagney picked me. When I entered that room full of puppies, she's the one who jumped at me. She did her little hop-hop dance right into my lap. I had no choice but to take her home. She totally picked me.
And for thirteen years and a half years, I was taken care of by the best golden retriever I ever met.
She was a jumper. And a hopper. There was a period of time when I didn't feel all that great about inviting people to my home because Cagney would become so wildly excited that she would hop on all fours, trying to get closer to the PEOPLE.
She loved people more than dogs. For at least ten years, she submitted to ANY dog that walked by, lying on the ground as if to say, "please don't kill me." I remember her encounter with a miniature dachsund that was so pathetic. She actually cried as the dog sniffed her, nose to tail and was so relieved when her attention turned to the person holding that dachsund's leash. It was the people she loved...
Yes, she irritated me sometimes. I thought for awhile that she wasn't really deaf...she was just ignoring me. And it might have been true for a minute, but she really was deaf.
And people loved her. Matthew was raised with the dog who let him dress her up (in Sleepy's mailman clothes), run his Hotwheels up and down her back, all the while looking at me as if to say, "I'm just supposed to sit her and do this, right?" When Matthew would sled down the hill behind our house, Cagney ran with him every step of the way, making sure he was ok. She loved her boy.
When Cagney was a year old, I put her in my car and moved us to Colorado. We knew few people, but Cagney helped me make friends. We'd walk around Wash Park and she'd introduce me to all of the fabulous folks there. It was easy to make friends when Cags was around. When I arrived at my friend's Lynn and Leeanne's house on my first day in Denver, Lynn opened the door to greet us and Cagney just high-tailed it and jumped into bed with Leeanne. All I heard her say was, "well, who is THIS?" Cagney could win over even a slumbering soul.
Cagney's best friend, Teddi, loved her, too. We don't live in the house down the street from Teddi anymore, but when Teddi got scared (as she often did), she'd run to Cagney's house, looking for her best friend.
So my heart is incredibly heavy. I've lost my best friend. I know she's with Teddi now (who we lost not long ago, too) and they're swimming like they used to. Cagney used to swim so far out onto the lake that we had to send Teddi to get her. I imagine they're doing that right now...big, happy smiles as they swim and play and share a big stick to chew on. I like to believe they feel better than they've ever felt...just like they used to.
The right dog chose me and I will be forever grateful for her presence. I hope she knew how much I loved her...
I always tell people that Cagney picked me. When I entered that room full of puppies, she's the one who jumped at me. She did her little hop-hop dance right into my lap. I had no choice but to take her home. She totally picked me.
And for thirteen years and a half years, I was taken care of by the best golden retriever I ever met.
She was a jumper. And a hopper. There was a period of time when I didn't feel all that great about inviting people to my home because Cagney would become so wildly excited that she would hop on all fours, trying to get closer to the PEOPLE.
She loved people more than dogs. For at least ten years, she submitted to ANY dog that walked by, lying on the ground as if to say, "please don't kill me." I remember her encounter with a miniature dachsund that was so pathetic. She actually cried as the dog sniffed her, nose to tail and was so relieved when her attention turned to the person holding that dachsund's leash. It was the people she loved...
Yes, she irritated me sometimes. I thought for awhile that she wasn't really deaf...she was just ignoring me. And it might have been true for a minute, but she really was deaf.
And people loved her. Matthew was raised with the dog who let him dress her up (in Sleepy's mailman clothes), run his Hotwheels up and down her back, all the while looking at me as if to say, "I'm just supposed to sit her and do this, right?" When Matthew would sled down the hill behind our house, Cagney ran with him every step of the way, making sure he was ok. She loved her boy.
When Cagney was a year old, I put her in my car and moved us to Colorado. We knew few people, but Cagney helped me make friends. We'd walk around Wash Park and she'd introduce me to all of the fabulous folks there. It was easy to make friends when Cags was around. When I arrived at my friend's Lynn and Leeanne's house on my first day in Denver, Lynn opened the door to greet us and Cagney just high-tailed it and jumped into bed with Leeanne. All I heard her say was, "well, who is THIS?" Cagney could win over even a slumbering soul.
Cagney's best friend, Teddi, loved her, too. We don't live in the house down the street from Teddi anymore, but when Teddi got scared (as she often did), she'd run to Cagney's house, looking for her best friend.
So my heart is incredibly heavy. I've lost my best friend. I know she's with Teddi now (who we lost not long ago, too) and they're swimming like they used to. Cagney used to swim so far out onto the lake that we had to send Teddi to get her. I imagine they're doing that right now...big, happy smiles as they swim and play and share a big stick to chew on. I like to believe they feel better than they've ever felt...just like they used to.
The right dog chose me and I will be forever grateful for her presence. I hope she knew how much I loved her...
Monday, October 5, 2009
Our Time is Now
Everyone knows the lore about Indiana basketball. Jimmy Chitwood (c'mon you Hoosiers fanatics), Steve Alford, Bob Knight, Damon Bailey...should I go on? It's a basketball-crazy state and I'm one of the, well, crazies.
It's such a good time to be in Indianapolis. I am a life-long basketball addict: former player, former coach, forever fan and ardent supporter of women's basketball, in particular. Just ask me about the 80's, when Bill Benner wrote a scathing article, chastising the women's game...my blood will boil. Talk to me about any women's coaches, teams, league standing - I can talk for days on end. I can absolutely talk X's and O's, too. And I do. Some have called me crazy but I do not care. If I could choose one thing for my daughter to be or do, it would be basketball-crazy, just like her mama (unfortunately, I don't see that happening).
The Indiana Fever are on the verge of winning the WNBA Championship. People, do you hear me? I am so excited, I can barely sit still.
And the best part? It's a team full of quality women, coming together to kick some basketball butt. Tamika Catchings has always been one of my favorites. She is one of the most amazing players on the court and off...and twice now, she has taken the time to take a picture with my kid AND talk to her about how basketball is WAY better than cheerleading. Wink, wink.
This team is so approachable - we high-fived every one of them when they came off the plane from Phoenix the other day...and they genuinely appreciate their fans.
I'm a little crazy right now...but it's the best kind of crazy...
It's such a good time to be in Indianapolis. I am a life-long basketball addict: former player, former coach, forever fan and ardent supporter of women's basketball, in particular. Just ask me about the 80's, when Bill Benner wrote a scathing article, chastising the women's game...my blood will boil. Talk to me about any women's coaches, teams, league standing - I can talk for days on end. I can absolutely talk X's and O's, too. And I do. Some have called me crazy but I do not care. If I could choose one thing for my daughter to be or do, it would be basketball-crazy, just like her mama (unfortunately, I don't see that happening).
The Indiana Fever are on the verge of winning the WNBA Championship. People, do you hear me? I am so excited, I can barely sit still.
And the best part? It's a team full of quality women, coming together to kick some basketball butt. Tamika Catchings has always been one of my favorites. She is one of the most amazing players on the court and off...and twice now, she has taken the time to take a picture with my kid AND talk to her about how basketball is WAY better than cheerleading. Wink, wink.
This team is so approachable - we high-fived every one of them when they came off the plane from Phoenix the other day...and they genuinely appreciate their fans.
I'm a little crazy right now...but it's the best kind of crazy...
Monday, September 28, 2009
For the love of Dexter
When I sometimes wonder if it would be possible for me to fall in love with a man, my friends all laugh. Their comment - almost every time - is something like "yeah, well I'd like to see what THAT guy would be like." I think they really mean that I'm just a girl's girl. I can't imagine being anything other than that.
But strange as it may sound, I have a super duper crush on a boy. A serial killer, nonetheless. Okay, before anyone freaks out and takes my child away, I'm talking about DEXTER. You know, the guy on the awesome Showtime series. There's something strangely sexy about him...I just can't figure it out.
Okay, so I'm sure that most of it has to do with the masterful show - seriously, this is the greatest storyline: a guy works in forensics during the day, but plays serial killer at night. BUT, he only kills people who deserve it. Masterful.
Anyone else love Dex as much as I do?
But strange as it may sound, I have a super duper crush on a boy. A serial killer, nonetheless. Okay, before anyone freaks out and takes my child away, I'm talking about DEXTER. You know, the guy on the awesome Showtime series. There's something strangely sexy about him...I just can't figure it out.
Okay, so I'm sure that most of it has to do with the masterful show - seriously, this is the greatest storyline: a guy works in forensics during the day, but plays serial killer at night. BUT, he only kills people who deserve it. Masterful.
Anyone else love Dex as much as I do?
Monday, September 21, 2009
Single mom, only child
I've decided that I've done Ellie a disservice here and there by cultivating such a strong bond and dependence on one another. I've been a single mom for two years...she's an only child. We depend on each other for, well, everything.As she starts to blend with others and as we both forge new relationships, her ability to share and include others is not her strength. And me? I created that...so it's hard to watch it be a battle for her. Her struggles are because of my weakness. I hate that I have done that.
So I guess it's time to make some gradual changes that will give her the tools to depend less on me and more on herself, to whine less and suck it up more. I want her to begin to understand (if she can), that she's not the center of the universe...even though I have treated her as if she is just that.
It's hard for me to admit my mistakes but I know I need to change some things - for Ellie's sake. All I have ever wanted is to be a good mom and sometimes it's hard to realize that we just took a turn down the wrong road for awhile. Time to get back on the right route now. Wish us luck!
Monday, September 14, 2009
we're not talking about Britney's circus...
Sometimes I feel my life is a bit of a circus. Not just your run 'o the mill circus, either. There are days when the craziest things happen and I just stand back and watched, amazed at the reality that surrounds me.
Now, the good news is that most of the circus happens AROUND me, not IN me or even in my house (although I did willingly take two dogs to a WATER PARK yesterday - with FOUR CHILDREN in tow - maybe I brought that one on myself)...and I did find myself fully participating in the shenanigans that went along with celebrating someone's sister's 21st birthday on Friday night. But the good news is that the circus happens two blocks away...mostly.
On Friday I learned that my 10 year old nephew was going to go spend the day at XFest on Saturday. Basically, it's a heavy metal, hardcore music-fest and Alice in Chains was headlining. My sister's boyfriend was taking him because Jeff is the heavy metal (and other musical varieties) guru. But wait, a 10 year old (with active, raging cancer) going to a crazy fest? I had my concerns!
Little did I know that Alice in Chains (AIC) became the hugest fans of my nephew! Those guys - all of 'em (he knows them by name now - I don't) embraced that Calvin like nobody's business and adopted him for the day. I can't wait to post the pictures of Calvin and the "bikini girls" (that's what he called them). I'm not sure who was more stoked about how the day went: Calvin or Jeff. Either way, I'm a new fan of AIC. They treated my boy RIGHT.
This comes on the heels of Calvin's visit to IU football practice. Unfortunately, my sister, the not-much-of-a-sports-fan sister (I'm not bitter) was the one to take him to Bloomington for the day. Those 105 football boys again treated my nephews like kings and I grin from ear to ear every time I think of it. I also laugh when I think about my sister, who so naively pointed to a "big, pretty building" next to the football field and asked, "what is that?" Amy (their host) said, "now THAT is Assembly Hall...and we all bow to that shrine." When Karen told me the story, I had to have a moment of silence, merely thinking of her standing in the presence of the great Assembly Hall.
Carter went to the Colts game yesterday with my dad, courtesy of a friend who has season tickets (and though Cal's younger brother could use some attention - an incredible gesture). This 6 year old, however, will never fully appreciate those 10th row, 50-yard line seats at Lucas Oil Stadium. He made it to half-time and was ready to go home...
I hate Calvin's cancer, but I love the stories that come from people reaching out, showing incredible generosity and just hoping to brighten the days of a few kids who are struggling. Calvin feels so isolated, like no one understands. My sister's going to find him some talk therapy, but the fun-therapy can't hurt either. He's getting loads of that and I love it.
Now, the good news is that most of the circus happens AROUND me, not IN me or even in my house (although I did willingly take two dogs to a WATER PARK yesterday - with FOUR CHILDREN in tow - maybe I brought that one on myself)...and I did find myself fully participating in the shenanigans that went along with celebrating someone's sister's 21st birthday on Friday night. But the good news is that the circus happens two blocks away...mostly.
On Friday I learned that my 10 year old nephew was going to go spend the day at XFest on Saturday. Basically, it's a heavy metal, hardcore music-fest and Alice in Chains was headlining. My sister's boyfriend was taking him because Jeff is the heavy metal (and other musical varieties) guru. But wait, a 10 year old (with active, raging cancer) going to a crazy fest? I had my concerns!
Little did I know that Alice in Chains (AIC) became the hugest fans of my nephew! Those guys - all of 'em (he knows them by name now - I don't) embraced that Calvin like nobody's business and adopted him for the day. I can't wait to post the pictures of Calvin and the "bikini girls" (that's what he called them). I'm not sure who was more stoked about how the day went: Calvin or Jeff. Either way, I'm a new fan of AIC. They treated my boy RIGHT.
This comes on the heels of Calvin's visit to IU football practice. Unfortunately, my sister, the not-much-of-a-sports-fan sister (I'm not bitter) was the one to take him to Bloomington for the day. Those 105 football boys again treated my nephews like kings and I grin from ear to ear every time I think of it. I also laugh when I think about my sister, who so naively pointed to a "big, pretty building" next to the football field and asked, "what is that?" Amy (their host) said, "now THAT is Assembly Hall...and we all bow to that shrine." When Karen told me the story, I had to have a moment of silence, merely thinking of her standing in the presence of the great Assembly Hall.
Carter went to the Colts game yesterday with my dad, courtesy of a friend who has season tickets (and though Cal's younger brother could use some attention - an incredible gesture). This 6 year old, however, will never fully appreciate those 10th row, 50-yard line seats at Lucas Oil Stadium. He made it to half-time and was ready to go home...
I hate Calvin's cancer, but I love the stories that come from people reaching out, showing incredible generosity and just hoping to brighten the days of a few kids who are struggling. Calvin feels so isolated, like no one understands. My sister's going to find him some talk therapy, but the fun-therapy can't hurt either. He's getting loads of that and I love it.
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