more fruits and vegetables for my forties

There's nothing like an upper respiratory infection to help me eat better. As I was spending my birthday trying to feel better, I made all kinds of promises about how to better take care of myself. Here's my first step: an orange a day.

and then she was 40

I know it's over-dramatic and slightly sappy (okay, REALLY sappy) to wax poetic about turning 40. It's kind of like when I gave birth - I acted as if I were the first creature in the human race to experience such a thing. That said, I'm always a little sentimental when milestones occur, so I would be violating some inner-code not to say anything about turning 40.

I have led a charmed life. Yes, I'm blessed with parents who are "well off" and who generously share their wealth with their daughters. I know that has shaped who I am because I have never truly been in a position to wonder where my next meal came from...I've never had to worry about having a roof over my head. I always knew that there were any number of folks who would gladly share a jar of peanut butter with me and for that, I am thankful every single day.

Because of that, I probably took risks that those less fortunate than I were never able to take. I know that I'm lucky...or blessed, for those who don't believe in luck. I tried to play basketball in college, for instance. The lessons learned from the experience (though my performance was less than stellar) taught me more than any college diploma ever could and I have tended to take a "player mentality" approach with me in everything I do.

At age 29, I literally coaxed my one year old golden retriever into my car and I moved to Denver. I felt like there was something more out there and I went to find it. During the course of the ten years that followed, I learned who I was and, for the first time, counted on my own strength to make it through some pretty lonely times.

I had a baby in an unconventional manner. Using anonymous donor sperm, I conceived a daughter who is the center of my being. I worried some about what folks would think, but I worried more about affecting-the-monarch-butterflies-in-Kansas (a thought I can explain another time), but ultimately, I took that risk and found the biggest love ever: my baby girl.

In sixth grade, a teacher said an awful thing to me and at that moment I decided two things: that I would no longer participate in class discussion at any level and that I would someday change the face of education so that children who suffered at the words of ignorant teachers might somehow be saved by my encouraging words. My career path has been extremely unconventional and - for a teacher - risky. But it has allowed me to continue looking for ways to complete my mission. Call me Pollyanna, but I hope someday I will make my mark.

My friends sometimes laugh at me because I will often say, "we are SO on the cusp of something BIG!" But I really feel that way...and I hope I don't ever lose that feeling. Even at the end of another 40 years.

I learned a lot in 40 years and I promise that I will use what I have learned to create a bigger impact in the next 40 years. I would be irresponsible if I didn't recognize what my "charmed life" has given me, mostly the ability to take risks and the belief that something big is always on the horizon. I may not be able to financially support my daughter the way that my parents have generously given to me, but I hope someday she will say "there goes my MAMA - she didn't always do things by the book, but she worked hard, played hard and the people in her life loved her to death."

Maybe she'll even snap her fingers when she says it.

help you don't need in the ER

So last night Bug woke up barking like a seal. No joke, it was like a family of otters somehow surfaced in her room. At 2 a.m. Last winter she had a bad episode where her pulse-ox went down to 86 and it happened very fast, so the whole "stryder" (did I spell that wrong?) thing scares the crap out of me. She couldn't seem to get a good breath, so I hauled her to the ER.

While in the car, I called Cupcake. Even though she lives 1000 miles away, I wanted her with me and the phone was best I could do. So I got her out of bed so that she could calm me down. She encouraged me to call my mom, so I did that, too. I was kind of hoping my mom would meet me there for support. Or whatever. Instead, my dad showed up. Now, I love my dad. He always acts with good intent. Supportive? Not so much.

They took Bug right back and she'd calmed down by then (I'm sure I overreacted and I'm also sure that being out in the cold air was all she probably needed - not a trip to the ER), so we sat and waited for the doctor. I realized that I didn't have my insurance card, or Bug's (I just got a new one, so I should get a little bit of a break on that, right?). Well, good ole supportive dad decided that I was a worthless mother. He could not BELIEVE that I didn't have my insurance card. And he couldn't let it go. At all. I was extremely close to asking him to go home because his version of support was not really what I needed at the moment.

But I didn't say that. I just bit my lip and wished like hell that Cupcake had been there with me. Or my sister. Or my mom. Just NOT my dad. Ugh.

So Bug is tired, but fine. I probably feel worse than she does, but I don't care. I just want her to be okay. I probably don't need to overreact next time and I definitely don't need to call my mom. I will, indeed, always call Cupcake. Lessons learned. Yawn.

Me Me Me Meeeeeeee (sung to the tune of that warmup vocal thing)

I was tagged by liz

The Rules:

A) Link to the person that tagged you.
B) Post the rules on your blog.
C) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
D) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
E) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
F) Let the fun begin!

6 Random Things About Me:

1. HABIT: I wash my face a lot...like ten times a day. No wonder my face is wrinkle-city.

2. QUIRK: I am obsessive about doing laundry. I have a rule that I MUST do one load a day. Always, except when I'm on vacation (and then I just wish I could).

3. NON-IMPORTANT THING: I hate - and do everything I can to put it off - unloading the dishwasher. I LOATHE IT.

4. NON-IMPORTANT, EMBARASSING THING: I snore. Loudly. A lot. Cupcake gives me hell about it and I understand - apparently it's like sleeping next to a buzz saw.

5. QUIRK: I like to believe (and tell people) that I'm a late-night person, but I'm really not. I like to go to bed early. I guess I just wish I were more of a night-time person.

6. QUIRK: I hate lotion. I don't mind it on my body but I hate it on my hands and face. They are both - as a result - often very dry. I've gotten better over time, but I hate the way it feels and after applying it to my body, I almost always wash my hands.

TAG:

Cupcake

Kelly O

Clandy

Why does she pose like a porn star?

Now, I'm all about expressing yourself, but why does my child pose like this? She has done this ever since she could stand up. I don't typically strike a porn-star pose when I pose for pictures...so where did she get this? Should I be worried? Does she have some sort of inner drive to pose in a sexual manner? It scares me to death! I hesitate to even post these pictures...and then I wonder if I am just being uber-paranoid mom. Does anyone else have children who strike such a pose? HELP!

Life is Good

It's freezing in Indiana. Literally. Last night it went below zero and it has been that cold for days. Wouldn't you know, my furnace broke and the furnace guy couldn't get the part to fix it until today. So I sent Bug to spend the night with her cousins and I prepared to spend the night monitoring the space heaters and gas fireplace to endure the tundra that is my living room.

Best night I've had in a long time.

I pulled the couch up next to the fireplace and ate some popcorn while I watched TV. Talk to Cupcake for awhile but I was so sleepy (from trying to coax the furnace on the night before), that I wasn't much company. I just totally and completely chilled (pardon the pun) out for an entire evening. By myself. I can't even remember the last time I did that.

One of the things I did was think about all the good in my life. I have the best little girl in the world - I've made that clear, but I also have another best girl in the world...Cupcake! While we sometimes get bogged down in the sadness that comes from living so far apart from each other, but Cupcake reminded me of all the laughing we do...the fun, the silliness, the ease in being together.

While I had a gas fireplace and space heaters to keep me warm, my heart warms most when I think of the girls I love so much. I know, I'm a big cheeseball.

two weeks and counting...big moments in life

I'm trying to craft some posts that keep me focused on what it means to turn 40. Some of that is reflection, some is looking ahead. I thought I'd try and identify ten big moments of my life (before age 40, of course). This doesn't mean they're the best, just the biggest...highest-impact moments. Some are serious and I'm sure some will just seem weird. Try to remember that I'm kind of a sports fanatic, so an inordinate number of these moments may be sports-related. And these are MOMENTS, not people. That will have to be another post.

Here goes (in no specific order):

1. Ellie's birth. Duh. This is - hands down - the biggest and best moment of my life. I will never in this life or future lives forget what it was like after pushing every two minutes for three and a half long hours to finally hear the doctor say (in his calm, southern accent), "Melissa, reach down here and get your baby." I then had the honor of reaching down, grabbing my baby girl under the arms and raising her to my chest, sobbing loudly all the way. I didn't just do the boo hoo crying when she was born - I did the fall out screaming wailing thing. I'll admit it - I did all of that without a care in the world for who heard me. My life really started with that moment.

2. When my older sister, Leslie, died. I don't really need to go into a lot of detail about that one because it seems kind of obvious that it was a big moment. I was 11 years old and she'd been sick for a really long time. Her life and death certainly had a lot to do with determining who I am.

3. When Southport High School Girl's Basketball team won the state championship in 1980. Seriously. I know it sounds a big trivial, but it kind of set me up to dream big for winning something as big, both in my high school basketball career and in life. I guess I keep hoping I can still win the state championship somehow.

4. Graduating from my Master's program. Again, not a huge deal for most, but I was NEVER a good student. Sure, I'm smart, but I never really worked as hard as I should have and I spent a lot of time in school feeling really bored. I actually got in a lot of trouble because I didn't work as hard as I should have, but my Master's program was great - and I felt very proud when I graduated.

5. Seeing ANNIE for the first time, at Clowes Hall (on the Butler University campus). It was the first time I experienced musical theater and I was hooked from that moment. Since then, I soak up musical theater and Broadway tunes like nobody's business.

6. Winning the sectional championship coaching the North Central Girls' Basketball team. We'd had a horrible few years with the death of a player and lots of adversity. It ended up being a wonderful story about those young girls working together to overcome a lot and they were rewarded for it. I remember hearing that buzzer sound and feeling like that great group got the championship they deserved (we actually went on to win the next round, too, but that first win was very sweet).

7. Getting my first teaching job. I think I was surprised, more than anything, but right out of college, I got the job I wanted. That was definitely a cool moment.

8. Cheesey at it sounds, going on our first R Family Vacations cruise, with Rosie O'Donnell and pals. It really, truly was like being on a big, gay love boat, full of families like ours. For the first time, I felt completely real and out there, no need to hide. It's hard to explain, but that was a big one, too.

9. Losing friends. I'll throw them all into one topic because their deaths all touched me profoundly. Shannon, Mindy, Richie, Jere, Amanda...losing friends and experiencing death at their side...those are moments I will never forget.

10. Okay, now this one is really dumb, but I will never forget it: front row, Hoosier Dome, Indianapolis, 1991 NCAA tournament. Christian Laettner hit a buzzer beater to eliminate the much-favored UNLV and move into the championship game. The electricity of that moment will stay with me...it was CRAZY!

Now those are some moments, huh?

Just 16 days...

...and I will turn 40. I never thought I'd be one of those people who were affected by turning a certain age, but 40 kind of got my attention. I'm not worried about it... in fact, I'm embracing it - excited about it, but it has made me think about a lot of things.

So what are the things from my first 40 years that I'd just like to leave behind? In other words, what baggage do I want to shed?

1. The drama of the past. I want to be Beautiful Again (see post below). There's no need to revisit the mistakes or the pain. Really. Sure, those things make up who I am, but they don't have to
define who I am today, do they? It's time to start anew. To wash away the nonsense and the baggage. Yesterday at church, two preschoolers were baptized and I was struck by the symbolism of new beginnings. That's what I want: to stop functioning as if the past has to be a part of the present. It's time for a fresh start.

2. I have been encouraged to stop feeling guilt about making big changes in my little girl's life. Her family changed, we moved to a new city, bought a new house, found a new school - all a lot of change for one little girl and I can slide into incredible guilt about how that must affect her sense of self. I also tend to worry about not giving her a two-parent home...I always think that two is better than one and that I can never be enough. It's time to stop worrying about that, right? It's better for us both to feel good about where we are and who we are together. I'm going to do what I can to put that guilt behind me.

3. I want to concentrate on finally, finally, finally realizing that my life doesn't have to look a certain way because that's what others hope and/or expect of me. Perhaps being a lesbian mom is unconventional. I'm a working mom, too. And I'm not a good cook. I'm not the best disciplinarian...and I don't pick up dog poop in the yard as much as I should. I weigh more than the rest of my family. I'm not very organized. It's time for all of that to be okay because at this point, it's probably not going to change.

Beautiful Again

"And when she's lying all alone

thinkin' about her life she wonders
If she is wrong to believe in a better world
then she sees her little girl
and she knows she is right...

cause when it rains,
the past gets washed away, and then
she smiles 'cause she knows in the end,
the world gets beautiful,
beautiful again..."

-Martina McBride (Beautiful Again)

Good 'ol Pastor Rach knocks some sense into me once in awhile. Okay, so she doesn't get a big head, sometimes she just reminds me of good stuff, whether she knows it or not. Today we had a brief conversation about her upcoming sermon (yes, she really is a pastor - I can't believe it either). Her sermon is based on some verse in Isaiah about being washed away and becoming new again. I'd made a CD for Bug's birthday in October and it had this Martina McBride song on it, called Beautiful Again and Rach like it...somehow it caught her ear. She's even having someone sing the song at church to accompany her sermon...so anyway.

Most of my conversations with Rachel aren't very serious. They're peppered with laughter at inside jokes or a certain language and tone we've used with each other since we were babies (literally). Most of the time we don't need to be serious because we've endured way too serious stuff in our lives together and we know it. We don't need to speak of the serious, or the lessons we've learned from the serious. So we go to the laughter and most of the time, our conversations live in the laughter, even when they're serious. Maybe she's the only one who will get that, but it's the truth.

So we talked today - in laughing generalities - about looking back, about sometimes just embracing the fact that life is what it is. Maybe yesterday sucked, but today doesn't have to. Maybe the beauty is in the stuff that is outside the norm or in the spaces where we're not even looking. Perhaps, most importantly, the beauty is what we want it to be for ourselves...not what everyone else expects it to be. What's the beauty for me?

Just like the song, my baby girl is the beauty. I hate sounding so cliche and saying what mothers have said since the dawn of time, but my girl is hands-down the best thing I ever did. She is my biggest accomplishment, my proudest moment, my heart's beat. I can have a horribly bad, terrible day, but one look at that little girl and I know that life is forever good. Today is a good day because here we are, in it together.

There is beauty in trying to make a difference. I see sadness in this desperate school district I serve. I see sad stories of children struggling to make it, but there's beauty in their spirit and their strength and sometimes, just in the fact that they are still alive. There are days when I pause and simply stare into a student's eyes, recognizing the beauty that is sometimes trapped and often strangely working its way out.

There's beauty in the friend who sits with her close friend's dying husband...so that the close friend can quietly enjoy a meal away from the grief for a few moments. There's beauty in the small, kind acts that often go unnoticed. I can easily identify the smallest things people have done that have meant the most...and those people probably don't even know that what they did had a big impact on my life. A dry pair of shoes. A unprompted email. A push on the swings.

There is beauty - for me - in words. I've decided that words in any form are one of the most cherished things life has offered me. Words in the form of conversation, the written word and the beautiful stories that have saved me, lyrics in music and even words as thoughts that crawl incessantly around and through my brain. Words are beautiful and have revived me more than once.

There is beauty in relationship, of course. Relationship - connection - of any kind is beautiful to me. I'm almost 40 and I could list lots of things I've done. I could write about the trips I've taken, the jobs I've done, the activities I've performed, but it's the relationships that matter. It's the relationships that I carry with me every day. And every day I know that if it weren't for the connection to the people in my life, I would not be here.

So I'm going to spend some time with beauty in the coming weeks, thinking every day of the list above...and consciously looking for more that surrounds me. All of this because of a conversation with Rach. I'll go to church on Sunday to hear her sermon and I'll probably tear up when I hear that song sung, but mostly I'll think it's beautiful that our few silly moments on the phone prompted me to think seriously about the beauty that surrounds me. Amen.

I'm almost 40

In just 23 days, I'll turn 40. Whoa. Dude. That sounds so weird to me. I kind of wish I look like I did in this picture. Skinny, that is. I like this picture, except for that fact that I was meeting Rod Paige. I think my arms look strong.

I don't mind turning 40. In fact, I'm embracing it. I always figure that I should magically become wiser or more settled and content as I age. I know it's a fantasy to imagine that such a thing will just happen, but I still fantasize and hope for it...no harm there, right?

I do feel a sort of "pressure" about turning 40, but I'm not sure that's the right word. I feel like I need to get my shit together. That if I don't have my shit together by the time I'm 40, then I'm sunk. There's nothing like feeling like I have only 23 days to get my shit together.

I felt a huge deadline right before I turned 35, but it was different. Since I was in high school, I said that if I didn't have a child by age 35, I would adopt (why a high school kid would establish such an edict is beyond me, but I said it...a lot). I started trying to get pregnant when I was 33. After many failed attempts (and a few breaks here and there), I decided to try one more time in the month that I was to turn 35. After that, it would be adoption (because I had to keep my promise to myself, right?). Well, Bug is my baby-before-35! I actually discovered that I was pregnant two days after my birthday.

So, in keeping with my last plan, I'll give myself two days AFTER my 40th birthday for me to have my shit together. Whew.

another concert

Colorado Re-Cap

I couldn't begin to describe what a wonderful trip to Denver we had. I have always had a hard time with vacations because most of the time I couldn't "turn it off" enough to really relax. This time - somehow - I figured it out and I feel relaxed and refreshed.

Here's the quick re-cap:

We saw many friends. In fact, we probably saw too many. I tend to fill the schedule with outings when I visit and I'm afraid Cupcake got a little overwhelmed. We tempered visits with friends and dinners out with some homemade meals and nights in, too.

We saw many movies! JUNO: we giggled through the whole thing - LOVED it. I AM LEGEND very entertaining and somewhat scary for a nearly 40 woman. It was one of those jump out of your skin films that resulted in being hit by Cupcake at one point and by jamming popcorn into my mouth at another. Oy. We also saw THE GREAT DEBATERS - LOVED IT! Three great movies in a short period of time - I felt like I'd died and gone to heaven.

The kids got lots of time together! I love that. Matthew and Bug had a blast - and didn't forget one bit about how to fight like siblings. Matthew hit her a little too hard one time and Bug retaliated with "I'm going to call you a CHEETAH GIRL!!!" Good one.

Drinks and dinner and time out and time in and visits to old haunts. Perfect little vacation! Hard to be home...