I've read a few articles and blog posts about "single moms" lately. I've read about "single moms by choice" and "single moms by chance." Interesting.
I'm a single mom. By chance. And I'm not really a single mom because I have a partner. Who lives 1000 miles away. But still. By most technical definitions, I'm a single mom. So I should be supportive of anyone who seeks to be or happens to become a single mom. Of course. And I am. Supportive. I think.
Bug was conceived using anonymous donor sperm. Sometimes I stumble over how to say that to people. She was conceived through artificial insemination (although I don't always get the "artificial" part). Simply put, I ordered up some sperm online and had it delivered to the doctor's office. A wonderful woman named Sue (who was actually my first grade Sunday School teacher - but that's another story) took it out of it's huge, dry ice packaging, had me warm it in my hands and prepared to inseminate me with it. There are, of course, other parts to the process, like countless monitoring of ovulation and consequent "surges," ultrasounds upon ultrasounds and sometimes even medication, but most people are only interested in the above-mentioned parts (the ordering online, etc).
When I had Bug, I was with my ex and we planned - very methodically, obviously - to have a baby. So it's by "chance" that I'm a single mom. I think that's how that works.
I say all of this to say that there are women out there who have no support at all, no partner at all - who are choosing to have babies. By themselves. I think this is fabulous. It's evidence that we are strong and become creatures who can do it all by ourselves. Kudos to those who do it. I will say, though, in all honesty, that it's hard. It's hard raising a child by myself. And I have supportive friends and family! It's a lot of work and I will say with all certainty that I'm not sure I could have done it alone when she was an infant! Those days are HARD HARD HARD! But I love that women feel strong and capable to do it without help. I just don't know if I could.
Any thoughts? Someday I want to have lots of discussion on my blog. Sigh.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
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4 comments:
As the partner who lives 1000 miles away...I will say that the baby decision has been on my mind a ton. I do believe any person, man or woman, who is determined to raise a child to become a productive member of society, provide unconditional love and support, discipline and so many other things should be allowed to have a child. I agree that raising a child is hard work...hardest job in the world. I don't know this personally because I don't have children. I support Melissa and Ellie the best I can from here, but know that you see yourself as a single parent. This is a tough topic for me right now because I'm not sure that I will ever be in a position to have a child. But I support women and men who go out and make that happen.
Being a parent is hard. Period. It doesn't always have anything to do with being single or not. My children are my breath, my purpose and my focus. There isn't anything I wouldn't do to help them, support them, make their lives better. I think most of us get that. All of the intangible things that make parenting so inspiring and rewarding--that's the easy part. It's the day to day, oh my gosh are they going to kill each other, are they going to need more therapy than I do sort of days that make it hard. My crazy neighbor irritates me. Every time I ask her how she's doing she sighs, looks off to some distant place and says "I'm doing the best I can . . ." No shit, lady. Isn't that what we're all doing? Find some joy in the mess! Or maybe I identify with her too much and hate that I let my circumstances dampen the joy in my household. I can be a real wet blanket. Anyway, it's a hard job, and I love it. I want to be better at it. I want to be joyful, more carefree, spontaneous. It's the best adventure out there and instead of making you weak by needing help, I think it makes you stronger.
I think this is a hard one for me. As someone who has seen the fall out from single parent families in the form of badly behaved kids, part of me feels like a child needs 2 parents around. But I've also seen some pretty wonderful kids grow up in single parent families. I'd like to think that if I had to, I could raise Jadette by myself. I just think the support from Mr. Jaded and the experience Jadette has being with him can only help her as a person. It really IS the hardest thing in the world to be a parent, but it's also rewarding beyond belief.
I guess it all depends on the indivdual person. If you are prepared to raise a child in a loving, supportive, safe environment, then he or she has the same shot in a single parent family as in a 2 parent family. I really do think that having 2 parents makes things a bit easier, but only if both parents are equally as committed to being good parents and partners. If you have 2 people who can't stand each other living in the same house for the sake of the child, I think that does more harm than good. Children can sense things like that.
While it has to be hard to have your partner so far away, both you and Ellie know that you're really not a single parent. You both have someone else in your lives who you love and who loves you both. The day to day things might be harder on your own, but you have the emotional support and love that many single parents don't have. I think Ellie is better off for having 2 parents who love her unconditionally. You don't have to live in the same place to feel that kind of love.
Wow - conversation at my blog! Thanks, guys. Great comments. Jaded, I, too, have always thought that two are better than one in terms of just having backup and occasionaly "time off," plus a kid can never have too many people who love him or her, right? I also know of some pretty amazing single parents. Not sure how they do it, but they definitely have my respect and admiration!
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